Beauty & The Beast

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Honestly, today is really not my day.

Dad. You have never been proud of me. Every single time you will always try to find fault with me. For 14 years. No matter what achievements I got, be it Top in English or Top Student in East View or whatever high marks that I got or compliments that I got from both teachers and lecturers alike, you refuse to be proud of me. Instead, you still chose to pick bones with me, scrutinizing my every move, looking for something to fault me with.

What hurts me deeply is the fact that you assume all the wrong things about me which are based simply on your perceptions. Whenever my results are bad, you assume that I go to school just to play the fool, goof off and clown around. Whenever I am resting for a short while, you assume that I'm a lazy ass who slacks and does nothing till the very last minute. You assume that I'm just the same old bastard that I was back then simply cuz of my terrible past. You assume that I'm a failure, who only does things half-heartedly and never completes the tasks I set out to accomplish.

But do you even have any inkling of what I even do in the first place ? Do you have any idea the amount of sleepless nights I had because I am chionging my ass off, just to do my work neatly and professionally in the best way that I can so that I can complete them and submit them on time ? Do you have any idea how I've been consulting my lecturers and designer friends alike just to get their critique on my projects and work on their judgement/criticisms to improve what I am currently doing so that I can produce better quality standards ? Do you have any idea how much I actually cried when my critique sessions were disastrous ? Do you have any idea how freaking happy I was whenever my lecturers complimented me and my works, saying that I am improving, that I should keep up the good work and that I've come a long way ?

I feel like just quitting school right now. Not cuz I can't cope with the assignments. No sir. My time management skills have been honed well ever since I entered Singapore Polytechnic and I am learning to prioritize the more important stuff first, like meeting submission criteria and deadlines on time with good quality work. I wanna quit school because of financial burdens. I dare not ask you for money to purchase materials or to even print my boards out cuz I am afraid that you and I will get into a huge fight cuz of money. I scrimp and save whatever I have. In the end, it's always Grandma who comes to the rescue, helping me ask you for money and explaining to you why I need it badly.

I wanna quit school because I find that there's no point in me doing all of this just to make you proud of me but you aren't and you never will be. I got into this course because of you in the first place. I was in DCMD initially but you got into a huge fight with me, saying that I already dropped D & T back in secondary school but I still wanted to pursue a course that had relations to that subject, when I tried to explain to you REPEATEDLY that DCMD had NOTHING related to D & T but did you listen ? No. Being the egoistical bastard that you are, you still think that you're right. So in order to make you happy, I jumped ship to DID and boy you were happy. Why ? Cuz you were pursuing part time Architecture and evidently, this is the first time that you think we have a common interest, when in actual fact, I joined just to get you off my back. Well guess what ? DID has EVERYTHING related to D & T and I WAS struggling back then but I struggle less now cuz I have learnt the art of time management. In fact, I'm starting to actually LIKE design, something which I swore I wouldn't and would hate for life back during my D & T days.

But did all of this actually hit that thick skull of yours ? No. You're still bent on thinking that I am a failure. That I goof off and clown around. That I have no future. And do you know how much that has deeply hurt me ? It's left a permanent scar. No matter how hard we try, we can never get back into each other's good books. Not now. Not ever. I don't exactly hate you but I don't love you either. All I've ever wanted was to hear you tell me that you are, actually for once, PROUD OF ME AND MY ACHIEVEMENTS. PROUD OF EVERYTHING THAT I'VE ACCOMPLISHED AND DONE. PROUD OF ME FOR COMING A LONG WAY. PROUD OF ME FOR WHO I AM. PROUD OF ME FOR WHO I'VE BECOME.

Grandma was the only one who was ever there for me. Who loved me and cared for me. Who defended me and stood up for me. Who was proud of everything that I've done and motivated me and encouraged me. If she can be, why can't you Dad ? )':

3:18 PM