Beauty & The Beast

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I woke up early in the morning to that anxious nauseous feeling. Showered, came online, went to SAS and my results were there.

SEM GPA: 2.365
CUMULATIVE GPA: 2.35

I'm like WTF?! My SEM GPA only went up 0.032?! I tried so fucking hard and REBUILT MY TETRIS UNIT like 4 or 5 times due to the fact that it kept on fucking collapsing on me. I tried to make my storyboards look NICE! I broke my head open for the tetris unit drawings, with Alip's tips and guidance. I practiced my free-hand and perspective drawings! Only to get what?

1 A, 2 Cs and the rest C+.

I always have the ideas but the shit is I have absolutely no idea how to bring my ideas to real life and how to extract my ideas from my mind and implement it in reality. And in my mind, the ideas are OH-SO-GORGEOUS but when I DO manage to bring it to life, it looks like SHIT and it looks NOTHING like how I envisioned it. Fuck la. Why the fuck am I taking this design course when I don't even have any design background.

11:32 AM

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The last leadership training camp was super fun. The games were great although there were a few minor glitches here and there but overall, it was fun! Hahaha.

I'm a GL! Woohoo! My wish came true! Can't wait to meet the new freshies next 2 weeks! Cuz the FOC is in next 2 weeks!

2:11 PM

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Hey. So today, we had the Guys Day Out and by that, I mean myself and both my brothers, Ridzuan and Izdihar. We went to 313, Centrepoint, The Heeren, Cathay, Ion and Vivo.

After Iz left at around 6+, Ridz and I proceeded to SGH to visit my older brother, who was hospitalised due to a road accident. Stupid.

*Abg, rempit lagy ar. Rempit lagy. -.-*

Now, I'm at home and I'm super duper sleepy.

*Thanks Sue for helping me to tag the pictures*

12:17 AM

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I swear I hate myself now. I actually somehow became like the old me again today.

Why must I be so paranoid? Why can't I just trust life? Why do I not have faith in love (friendship, siblings, relationships)?

Now, I know I screwed up. I tried so hard to kick out the old bad habits but they still come back to haunt me. I've affected our recently mended friendship, that took so hard to mend back again. It was all MY fault.

Yes. I'm dead beat. It's been a very busy 2 weeks and it's gonna be another hectic week next week. Plus too much cigarettes and booze in my blood and lack of sleep for the past 2 weeks in addition to physically exhausting activities, like working and going out, is really making me emotional and playing games with my mind. Making me utter nonsensical crap that I would come to regret saying later. Doing things that would give people the wrong idea of me.

I hate being this way. In fact, I hate myself. It's like no matter how hard I try, my past still comes back and take over me at times. I wanna get rid of it but it's so hard.

Now, snippets of our conversation we had yesterday and earlier on are replaying over and over again in my head. It's making me break down even more. Cuz I know I was entirely at fault. You say it's ok. You say you will forget it cuz it's just a small matter. But knowing the fact that you were irritated/pissed with me cuz of me brings me down even more cuz I failed miserably when I said I wanted to kick that habit.

If only you knew how much I'm willing to do and go through just so that I don't lose you. If only you knew how much I really love you. If only you knew how much I really treasure you. Either you know it and you just ignore or you don't even know it at all.

I've disappointed you. Then again, you don't even realize how hard it is for me to turn over a new leaf.

There's nothing else that I can say or do right now. I pushed it way too hard. Till it fell off the cliff.

I don't deserve to be here. )':

9:10 PM

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Hey. Finally I'm back in my own home. After being at Cynthia's chalet for 4 days 3 nights.

The chalet was ok. Quite fun but sadly, somehow, the intention of creating the chalet wasn't fulfilled. It was meant to be a bonding kinda thing but most of us ended up doing our own things, myself included.

I won't go into details as to what we did at the chalet cuz these kinda things are not meant to be blogged about. But if you really wanna know, just use your common sense. What normally happens when there's a chalet? :)

Today, I went out for dinner with my family at Makmur's. The food was awesome. Went walking around Tamp One after that, where my younger brother and myself bought for ourselves like 2 t-shirts each. Went to Popular at Tampines Mall to purchase my FTT book before heading off home.

12:15 AM

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I have a fear of commitment. I have a fear of loving people even though I ain't afraid to express my love for them. Why? Simple.

I DON'T WANNA GET HURT AGAIN.

And I'm not just talking about BGRs. I'm also talking about friendships and stuff. I just don't wanna go through the whole agonizing process of losing the ones I love due to mishaps and stuff.

I saw my younger brother's facebook status. In a way, he was right. Trust no one except for yourself. I trust those closest to me but even then, I have my doubts at time. You can't blame me for being paranoid cuz I was backstabbed and had my name dragged through the mud and was even falsely accused of something I did NOT even do in the first place but a MOTHER-FUCKING SKANKY BIATCH, whom I THOUGHT was my BEST FRIEND FOR 3 YEARS. No Tun. It's NOT you dear. You know who I'm talking about. It's... Urgh. I can' even mention that bitch's name without having to brush my teeth as the slightest mention of her name leaves me with this bad aftertaste in my mouth. BLUEK!

As I grow older by the day, I reflect back on my life. On the stupid things I've done. The events that happened, be it good or bad. Thank Allah that I have my close bunch of secondary school friends, who are helping me to slowly but surely get rid of my temper.

12:27 PM

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I'm super duper shagged. I just got back home from GL's leadership training camp.

Camp was ok. Kinda like the typical camps I've attended so far in my life. Hopefully, changes that we suggested will be implemented. After all, the freshies enjoyment and impressions are at stake here.

P.S: Sometimes, I just wish that you would understand me.

10:13 PM

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After such a long time, the SD clique finally reunited and went out together as one. Last Sunday night, almost all of us were like having an MSN conference. Yesterday (being Monday), we met up in T511 before heading out to Sarbats together to drink teh, grab our lunch and just slack together. After teh, we headed down to the smaller Nabin’s café to sheesha and just enjoy each other’s company.

Soon, almost the entire clique left. It was just the few of us, being Cyn, Rye, Afiq, Zakk and myself who headed down to Sungei Road to browse through the stuff there. After that, I bussed my ass down to SC, as taking the MRT would shorten the journey and I wanted to take the long journey back home so that I could sleep.

Slacked with my secondary school (Fuckers) clique at SC then headed home and went straight to bed.

Now, I'm currently in my studio, clearing it up and bringing back home with me my tons of year-long assignments. As people around me are either clearing up or throwing away their stuff or else smashing it to bits and pieces, I reminisce back of all the good times I had in this very studio throughout my entire Year One here. The laughter, tears of joy and happiness, the anxiety feeling one gets when a critique session for one is in progress, the games my SD clique and I played together in the studio while doing our assignments. It's actually sad but nevertheless, on the bright side, all of us went up to Year 2 (fingers crossed; results out by end of March). Alhamdulillah. New and more happier memories will be created. :D

2:05 PM