Beauty & The Beast

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I swear I hate myself now. I actually somehow became like the old me again today.

Why must I be so paranoid? Why can't I just trust life? Why do I not have faith in love (friendship, siblings, relationships)?

Now, I know I screwed up. I tried so hard to kick out the old bad habits but they still come back to haunt me. I've affected our recently mended friendship, that took so hard to mend back again. It was all MY fault.

Yes. I'm dead beat. It's been a very busy 2 weeks and it's gonna be another hectic week next week. Plus too much cigarettes and booze in my blood and lack of sleep for the past 2 weeks in addition to physically exhausting activities, like working and going out, is really making me emotional and playing games with my mind. Making me utter nonsensical crap that I would come to regret saying later. Doing things that would give people the wrong idea of me.

I hate being this way. In fact, I hate myself. It's like no matter how hard I try, my past still comes back and take over me at times. I wanna get rid of it but it's so hard.

Now, snippets of our conversation we had yesterday and earlier on are replaying over and over again in my head. It's making me break down even more. Cuz I know I was entirely at fault. You say it's ok. You say you will forget it cuz it's just a small matter. But knowing the fact that you were irritated/pissed with me cuz of me brings me down even more cuz I failed miserably when I said I wanted to kick that habit.

If only you knew how much I'm willing to do and go through just so that I don't lose you. If only you knew how much I really love you. If only you knew how much I really treasure you. Either you know it and you just ignore or you don't even know it at all.

I've disappointed you. Then again, you don't even realize how hard it is for me to turn over a new leaf.

There's nothing else that I can say or do right now. I pushed it way too hard. Till it fell off the cliff.

I don't deserve to be here. )':

9:10 PM